Gratitude

The definition of overwhelm that I could FEEL the moment I read it is from Jon Kabat-Zinn: Overwhelm is the all-too-common feeling that “our lives are somehow unfolding faster than the human nervous system and psyche are able to manage well.” Our bodies and minds are experiencing that quicksand feeling.

-Brene Brown

That about sums it up.

I got the snail-mail letter from disability.

It turns out they don’t even look at you medical history if you’re working.  They required me to fill out a 12 page document in which i had to describe all the things I have to do to keep myself alive each day (which is extensive) and all the ways in which working is hard for me, which sent me to a dark place; and then they didn’t even look at it! Apparently they just expect you to go broke and destitute waiting for a possible approval.

What a catch 22 in an already shitty system. Sigh. I didn’t expect it to go through,  but it’s just so depressing.

Aside from that,  I did get some news on my blood work. 

• My tumor marker has stayed stable! This doesn’t tell us much, but it also hasn’t increased, which alludes to the hope that Tina Tumor is remaining the same size and/or strength that she was two months ago.  Rock on Tina. I’m glad we are staying to develop an understanding.

• My T4 is quite high and my estradiol (estrogen) is low.  This explains why i’m having some of the strange symptoms with my boobs and my hormones.  We lowered my thyroid replacement dose yet again and will check it in 6 weeks.

• My autoimmune blood work results came in this week too, and thankfully all of that is stable!

So all in all,  not too shabby on a health front!

Jeremy works 3 overnight shifts in a row this week. He’s such a trooper, I could never do it.  I know that people do that for long periods of time but the fact that he’s doing it here and there causes me some concern for his health. Alas,  he’s making the best of it and happy that he should get a good pay check.

It snowed here this week. Winter is coming and it is getting cold.  I’m afraid of not having our escapes to nature as much as we have. We are not camping this weekend and I’m already feeling a sense of loss. I’m trying to find something fun and indoors that we can do.

Yesterday I went to see my hospice patient. She has had stage 4 breast cancer for 10 years and had continued to beat the odds using homeopathic treatment and continuing to by staying active. Unfortunately now it’s worsened and there are no treatment options.  She thought I was paid by the hospice company, and when I explained that I was a volunteer, she looked astounded. Then she told me I was an angel!

I vacuumed her house and it took less than an hour. All i could think was that if roles were reversed,  and my floor was dirty and every time I willed the energy to get up, I stepped on gook on the floor, it would drive me crazy! We won’t discuss how i haven’t had the energy to clean or vacuum my own home this week, that’s my choice.  I’m happy I can make someone happy,  and I was grateful for her comment.

We decided to go to Vancouver Canada for Thanksgiving. it’s too expensive to be family or friends and it was a bucket list item for both of us while we lived here. If we move,  I didn’t want to miss the chance and i didn’t want the two of us to sit at home by ourselves.  So we’re going to pack up the truck with the dog and head up there to our pet friendly airbnb. It may be a very long journey,  but what the hell!

I’m trying to find a balance between enjoying my life and the time I have vs. saving money and being frugal. By dragging Mckenzie with us,  we save on flights and dog sitters, so i figured that was a good compromise.

I’ve had a gratitude journal for about 5 years now,  but it always comes to the forefront when Thanksgiving approaches. I’m so grateful for our resilience,  my body holding itself together, Tina Tumor behaving, the abundance of nature here, Jeremy’s compassion and strength, all of your gracious support and encouragement, that so many of you take 5 minutes to read these silly updates, my boss taking a chance on me, our cozy home that we’ve created here, Mckenzie, and so much more. Despite all the ups and downs of this year, we are very privileged and lucky.

Have a safe and joyful holiday, everyone!  We love you all more than you know.