Reentry

Damn Pema Chödrön and her wise words😆

We might think, as we become more open, that it’s going to take bigger catastrophes for us to reach our limit. The interesting thing is that, as we open more and more, it’s the big ones that immediately wake us up and the little things that catch us off guard. However, no matter what the size, color, or shape is, the point is still to lean toward the discomfort of life and see it clearly rather than to protect ourselves from it.

We returned safely and on schedule from our amazing trip last week.  I lived through a 41-hour 42nd birthday!

What a metaphor after this last year of so much confusion and uncertainty on whether I’d live at all.  I’m profoundly grateful that I even made it to see 42 and that I was able to celebrate with such an amazing trip. I’m still processing it all, mostly I’m grateful to the lessons that japan taught me in slowing down and showing honor and respect.

America has been a barrage of cold toilet seats and way too many trash cans! Lol

On a hugely sad note,  I found out today that my hospice voluntee, whom I would visit and vacuum her house,  passed away while we were gone.  I’m hugely shocked, as she seemed to be doing great and made homemade chocolate for me as Christmas gift.  She chose medical aid in dying,  and I’m inspired by her will to take control of her own death.  She had told me early on that if she got to the point which she couldn’t walk or drive,  that was her queue. It’s good,  in my opinion,  to know what your hard line is. She taught me a lot.  She was quite a boss, and I hope she rests peacefully. 💫

As I typically do on my birthday each year,  I finalized my annual word choice.  Last year, my intention word was curiosity and I feel I made huge progress in learning,  allowing, and softening. What’s next?

Trust.

I want to build more confidence in myself, and I think to do that,  I need to learn to trust myself. So that’s my intention for this year.

I’m trusting that even if the ct scan doesn’t go well today,  I can get through it.  Honestly,  I’ve been through worse! I am quite proud of myself for warding off the scanxiety. It just hit me tonight,  and I know I likely won’t get results until next week,  so I’m more worried about fasting until 10:30. Luckily,  Jeremy has to work,  so I can keep my hangry to myself.

Then, Friday,  we are flying to Seattle for a very quick trip to attend a conference on Vasculitis,  the umbrella of my autoimmune disease.  I don’t really want to fly to Seattle this soon after getting back,  but i just couldn’t not go when there will be information that might find helpful for something that is so rare!

And to add to it,  our friends are letting us stay with them and we’ll get a bit of a visit in Friday evening and Saturday after the conference.  We’re excited to see them,  and hoping for some networking at the conference about upcoming trials,  new study results,  and commiserating with other patients. So that’s exciting!

I’ll let you know what I learn!

And wish me luck,  cause after 20 minutes on the phone with insurance about another errant bill,  they hung up on me.  Despite taking my callback number “incase we get disconnected,” no one called back.  Sigh. Take 3 coming up today. 🤞