Fearing Joy

It comes to a point in which a person with diseases is terrified of letting their guard down, and I’m in that moment. Again.

I heard from the surgeon earlier this week, and he confirmed the radiologist’s report that it no longer looks like I have a nodule! (woo and wtf!?) So, at least in this current ct scan, Tina Tumor is ghosting me, and I am grateful.

However, on the other hand, it feels way too good to be true, especially with the breast mri looming in the near future. Originally that appointment was supposed to be last weekend, but there was a mistake with my prior authorization (they authorized it with my old insurance) and so I had to reschedule. It was moved to March 3rd, but luckily my doctor called and they were able to move it up to this Thursday, Feb 6th.

So, we wait.

Again.

I am resigning myself to the fact that, for the rest of my life, there will be waiting for some result. That is not entirely sad, it’s just reality, and I want to accept it as much as possible so that I don’t continue to stress myself out.

It’s a funny thing to fear joy. I’m definitely celebrating that it wasn’t bad news, but I’m just not comfortable getting too excited after hearing that I was cancer-free twice now and that wasn’t true.

After all these years of various health issues, I understand and have settled into the identity of a sick person. Yes, I always try to make the best of what I have in the moment. But I often wonder what it would be like to never think about my health. To never strategize about what I can eat, or worry about missing a nebulizer treatment a day, or not exercising. I have been trained to believe that I HAVE to do all the things everyday if I’m going to live as comfortably as possible. And it’s true, in part.

I guess it’s always about finding a balance.

It’s been a bit of a rough week. Work was also much busier than normal and I have been extremely fatigued and just didn’t feel right. I took a covid test and it was negative. I tried to remember that things change constantly and it was probably just a cold, but internally it’s very hard not to freak out when something like this lingers for a few days and you are wondering if it’s yet another thing that might try to kill you. It turns out, I got my period again on Wed after it had only been about two weeks! Ugh. Well, fatigue mystery solved, so that’s a good thing, but why is my period coming again? Then I spent all day yesterday feeling terribly nauseous and miserable (which is not a normal period symptom for me).

I was so tired that I didn’t do my vibration vest last night and it was a mental battle. My conscious brain knew it wasn’t really going to matter, but there was a part of me that felt like I was ‘breaking the rules’ and that something might come back to bite me in the ass. Every night I hit point after dinner where I go through a mental checklist of all the medications, vests, nebulizer treatments, etc. I complain about my days feeling routine, but that is because I spend half of it doing all the things-I-have-to-do-to-keep-myself-alive! I just have to remember that as my meditation teacher reminded me, taking care of my body is my spiritual practice. And it’s worth it. But that it’s also ok to ebb and flow with all those things.

Luckily I am feeling better today.

So now I just wait patiently until I have the breast MRI. My endocrinologist is going to lower my dose of thyroid replacement again, so I will wait for that rx to arrive and then have my bloodwork checked in 6 weeks. Fingers crossed that my tumor marker doesn’t increase, my tsh stays in the normal range, and my period normalizes.

I really want to allow myself to feel relieved.

I’m still so grateful to you all for even still reading this and sending support. Sometimes when things slow down, that is when it feels hardest. I have been struggling with getting out of bed in the mornings and I think it’s just winter blues and also just being completely over so much medical hustle and hassle. Y’all keep me going and make it all worth it. Know that I’m hugging you all in my mind as often as possible. ❤