Just a Thursday.

Wow yall. Just wow.

It sounds like I need to reinvent my identity…again.

Thursday was a big day, I had my mri. To be honest, I was proud of myself for managing the worry about it and really assuming i was fine… until about 3 days prior. I see it clearly now in hindsight… a short fuse,  fiery temper, increased frustration, eating too much.  These are the symptoms that I experience from scanxiety. It was a rough few times.

Alas, the time came and we head out to the appointment.  Jeremy came with me because, on a whim last week,  I bought tickets to see the traveling ‘who’s line is it anyway’ in Eugene.  This sounded like a good idea when I purchased them,  and then I found out this appointment was going to be way longer than I thought; making the timing put it close (Eugene is 2.5 hours away). On top of that, it decided to snow the most it has all winter and we have to drive through a mountain pass. 

Alas, at this point we couldn’t get a refund for anything, so we decided to just see how it went.

I check into the radiology place, change into their GIANT gown and pants that were so big,  i couldn’t even pull the drawstring close enough to tie it. They call me back and I hobble along so as not to lose all of my clothing on the way to the machine. I go to lay down, and she says no you are going to be face down.

The night prior, Jeremy and I had just talked about the hospital visit when I had my autoimmune and the number of really horrible tests I had to undergo. One of the worse for me was the bone marrow biopsy in which I had to lay face down in a concave metal tube. Without even thinking I swung my whole body around in to a ball and said “oh god, I need a minute for the PTSD.” They had asked me if I had any issues with MRIs, and I really don’t, so they were confused. I didn’t want to get into it, so I took some breaths and laid down. At least their machine was padded and they had bolster to lift my chest and head up. Once they got me all situated, the loud noises started and I tried to breathe.

My sangha folks will appreciate this – I tried to sing a song in my head that I learned on retreat. I couldn’t remember one of the buddhist words to the song so I was struggling with that (after I remembered it was maitri which means loving-kindness!) As I was wracking my brain with that, Michael Franti came on the headphones! I really have to acknowledge how grateful I am that I found meditation and just how many times through these journeys it has saved me.

Anyway after a while they gave me the contrast, which for some reason this time made me extremely nauseous, so I was distracted then by trying to not throw up in the machine. After 45 minutes in the tube, it was finally over. The nurse looked at me and asked if I was ok and she explained that the nausea was because of the rate at which they had given me the contrast. Good to know for the future, I can ask them to go slower.

So then I changed back into my clothes that fit and we were finally ready to head out to Eugene. I go to the car and Jeremy says “I don’t think we’re going, the car won’t start.”

Goddamn it.

I go back in and one of the front desk ladies gets the maintenance guy who comes out with a battery pack charger and, with only losing about 20 minutes, we are on our way. That dude was the hero of the day!

As we were driving through the pass, very slowly cause the road was definitely snow covered and tumultuous, I received a text message that a new test result was in my mychart. I stared at the text for a few minutes trying to think if I had another test recently that would have come in cause I was stunned at how fast it showed up! The tech said it would likely take 48 hours.

I logged in to peak at it and the first thing I see:

Impression1. No MRI evidence of malignancy identified in either breast.

I burst into tears, ya’ll!

I am still processing it all, honestly and that was three days ago! It seems that at this point, I am as healthy as I’m going to be. I still feel a bit apprehensive about it, like something else awful is going to happen, but for now, I can soften. And celebrate!

Jeremy’s safe driving got us there right at 7 pm so we checked into the hotel I booked for free with credit card points, parked the car in front of the room and walked to the theater, grabbing the tacos I doordashed on the way and made it to theater at 7:27 when the show was scheduled to start at 7:30! Halleluiah!

I tell ya, the universe is funny.

All I really wanted was to have a night of laughter, and it didn’t disappoint. A few sketches were just silly but several of them had me belly laughing til my abs hurt.

We stayed the night and then just got up and headed back the next morning after breakfast and detour to a gluten free bakery!

When we got home on Friday, I looked at the calendar and realized it had been one year since I was made radioactive! All the memories of that flooded back in and I could soften, realizing, that for now I am truly safe. Wow, I’m just letting those words sink in.

My new dose of the thyroid hormone came in today so I’ll be starting that tomorrow and hopefully it will help chill everything out since they still don’t actually know why my boob swelled. The ruled out the worst thing so I’m fine with it.

For now, I am grateful and taking a much needed breath.

Next up, we head to Atlanta to visit J’s family and my sister and niece are also coming down for a cheer competition, so I’m really excited for that. From there, I head to Austin for 23 hours to have my cardiologist and rheumatologist appointments. The fun never ends lol.

I’m really hoping after that trip, we can truly relax and focus on what’s next in our lives. And maybe take a slight break from doctors, surgeries, and worry.