In it

We are truly in it, right now.

The week has gone,  but no answers yet.  The Broncoscopy was delayed by about 3 hours due to a ‘bed delay’ (I hope the previous person was alright). But that meant that I had to fast until about 5:30 pm when we were on our way home. My doctor didn’t even get to talk to me after cause he had to pick his kids up!

Alas we made it through.  Jeremy was a champ and drove home from bend to let the dog out and then drove back to get me.

The dr did call me that evening and basically said he thinks it’s just a mucus plug (gross); but he sent it off to be cultured to confirm.  The discharge nurse said I could feel flu-y the next day but damn,  I was not prepared for what i got.  I could barely move my body both Wednesday and Thursday.  I was just so sore and was fluctuating between sweating to goose bumps.  Coughing had come back like no tomorrow.

I rescheduled the mri on Tuesday for my ear cause it’s not urgent to me right now and I had an interview. [eh,  job hunting through all this is a whole other post that I probably won’t be able to bring myself to write.]

Friday was the pet scan. It went fine,  it just takes a long time and since I still hurt all over, the iv and such was a little worse than normal.

It’s just been hard, really.  I’m trying to stay positive, but having everyone leave and work starting soon,   possibly for both of us,  it feels like a lot to balance.

Luckily,  after a few meltdowns on Friday (visa both of us), we managed to get out camping.  I realized while out there that we also have to give ourselves credit.  This IS hard.  Any ONE of these things would be hard for anyone to manage; and we are dealing with uncertainty on multiple fronts.

I am allowed to feel bitter and frustrated sometimes,  damnit.  I know you all know that,  I guess I just have to remind myself. This is the hard shit that makes life, life! The twists and turns happen no matter my opinion of them,  so let’s just buy a good helmet and enjoy the ride.

I’m close to feeling like myself again.  The aches still exist and my throat is sore from coughing so much.

I appreciate everyone’s warm comments and kind messages.  They really do make a world of difference. I know this will also soon be a blip on the radar, but it feels very heavy right now.  So I just sit with it and remind myself that I’m not the only one holding it.  I have alot of support, with all of you,  doctors,  the teams still working to get my into surgery. 

I think I just need to sleep for 3 days.