Softening

I think I mentioned that I felt something in my body physically soften when I was last talking to the oncologist, whom did not want to start me on any further treatments yet.

I have actually taken this feeling to heart and tried to implement in other aspects of my life. Softening within my relationship, softening around my to-do list, softening my self-inflicted ‘rules’ around food, cleaning and constant chores in the household. Softening my heart.

My life is kind of ridiculous right now as each day is taken up by the things I need to do stay alive. Every day I do my thyroid pill, exercise, stand on my vibration plate, do my nebulizer, wear my vibrating vest, and do my medicine; all by 8:30 am. I won’t lie, it’s exhausting. I could easily be bitter about it, but I’m trying to soften around it all.

It’s been a really phenomenal practice for me after being so armored and so tense for the last year and a half. I’m noticing that Jeremy and I are more connected and we laugh more. I feel less tense all the time and catch it more quickly when I am. I have more fun with Zie instead of being annoyed she tracked more dirt in the house.

On top of that, my therapist brought up that we all get to choose who we give our nervous systems to, and I found that statement to be HUGELY helpful. In addition to softening, I’m trying to pay attention to the cues my body provides. When I notice that I’m anxious or frustrated, I think about whether I’m giving my nervous system to work, or insurance, or the dirty dishes piled up in the sink…And try to soften.

I’m certainly not perfect at it, but I can sense a noticeable shift in myself. And I like it.

I listened to a podcast the other day in which the woman talked about a nightly ritual in which they look at each day as a lifetime and think about 1. the best moment 2. the hardest moment (and how they overcame it to get to the pillow) 3. what they are most grateful for 4. Are you ready to give it all up if you don’t wake up in the morning I already have a gratitude journal, but Jeremy and I have added the others in when we go to bed and it really makes you realize how much one does in a day. There are often a lot of great moments I would have forgotten about if I didn’t start this practice. Often, I also overcame a couple hard things, or pushed myself to be brave. And it’s important to realize how each day is a gift that might not come.

Alas, I’m really enjoying it.

We are heading home to Pittsburgh tomorrow and I’m interested to see how it goes as I try to implement my new strategy at the airports while hiding in the corner with my mask on!

Maybe you can give it a try? Let me know if it helps.