Reflection and shifts

"Gratitude is not a passive response to something we have been given, gratitude arises from paying attention, from being awake in the presence of everything that lives within and without us.... ~David Whyte

I hope everyone had a lovely Thanksgiving!

We made the drive to Austin, and while it felt much longer than we remember, it was so nourishing and 100% worth it. We did not get to see everyone by far, but we were able to connect with many of our 'chosen family' members that we cultivated in the 15 years that we lived there. And we left space for rest and quality time. We needed all of it. The one sad moment was that I wrote a very heartfelt gratitude-filled blog and then lost it somehow (new platform woes), and didn't have the umph to re-write it. Apologies for that.

I appreciate so many reaching out to ensure I was hanging in there after my dad. I know holidays are very tough times for many people, especially after loss. For what it's worth, I am grateful that I haven't spent the holidays at home in quite a while due to how expensive and busy everyone is. I associate October with home, as that is when we typically go for a visit. I am leaving space for Christmas, as who knows where on the track the rollercoaster will land, but I was full of gratitude this Thanksgiving for a safe trip, for our friends, for McKenzie being SO good (even with cats!), and for this crazy life we still get to live.

Tomorrow will be two years since the first cancer surgery - the big one. Wow, it kind of feels surreal. And there is so much gratitude in me right now for even still being here. Sometimes I lose sight of that, and sometimes it's in my face.

On that note, I met with a local endocrinologist this week. I was skeptical that I would feel about her considering how advanced of a case I am, but she was amazing! She took a lot of time with me, asking questions and explaining several aspects of this disease that others haven't. She has seen other cases with metastasis, though she admitted not with EGPA (my autoimmune- though I never expected that). I feel good because she agrees with my treatment, is putting a referral in for an oncologist so I am established and have them when needed, and ordered an ultrasound (next Tuesday) and chest CT (waiting to hear from them to schedule. She is Philippino and tiny like me, and at the end, she gave me a hug! Major relief in knowing I have someone here in case of any major shifts with Tina Tumor.

I am also heartened by the fact that all three of my endocrinologists have been women! Heck yeah ladies! It's a nice change to speak to someone other than a dismissive white male (no offense - there are many good ones too), and many that just aren't.

This time of year is many different things for many people. Many get excited for this season of decorations and gatherings. Some would say it's busy and capitalistic. Nature would say it is a time to rest. All things can be true, and for me, it's been a time of reflection and realization.

I have known for a long time that things have felt out of balance and I'm hopeful that I'm now finding my way to alignment.

All the health issues, the moves, the constant adjustment. I find joy in it all, and, as I age, it's time for something else. Recently I have been reflecting a lot and I truly want to give things that I am doing my presence. I recently heard a story of how Thich Nhat Hahn stopped and set something down to pick up his tea cup with both hands and feel the warmth. Gut punch! I realized that I don't do that very often (or ever, really).

I'm constantly one-trip-or-die-ing too many things (which I then drop), or I'm on the phone while I'm walking, or just generally up in my head instead of paying attention. I'm always running from one thing to another.

So I'm setting a new intention and trying to imprint reminders into my day to day to pause and be here now. When the dog stops to sniff every damn leaf on a flower, I am using that as a queue to look around and take a breath.

In addition, in the last week, I was asked three times by three different friends why I am being so mean to myself. Another gut punch! I honestly don't even realize it, but I would never treat a friend that way.

So here we go 2026. Manifesting a new job, a log cabin on an acre, and setting intentions to slow the fuck down, do one thing at a time, and have some self-compassion and kindness toward myself. I honestly feel a physical shift in my body this week. I am not sure what's happening, and I really hope it isn't some new disease(!), but even if it is, I will move through it with these new aspirations.

We got some snow here this week and put up our tree; and it's feeling cozy! Happy December to you all, may you have a moment of presence and cozy.