Grief Rollercoaster

Thank you to my friend and teacher, Marissa, for this quote “You are falling apart, and then holding it all together. Then falling apart, then holding it all together again. Love is being born within you, cleansing you from the inside, showing you how whole you really are. It is revealing the essence of what you are beyond that which comes and goes. It is showing you that you could never truly fall apart, because you were never together to begin with. You are beyond all that. If you remain too identified with the falling apart, you disintegrate; you lose contact with the radiance within you, and you become misattuned to the unfolding of your somatic experience, which is the movement of pure, luminous wisdom. You forget how intelligent and how creative it is inside you, and that you are never, ever in need of fixing. You forget that the darkness, when provided sanctuary, is brighter than a thousand suns inside your heart. But if you remain too identified with holding it all together, you disconnect from your vulnerability, you turn from the wild reality that your heart could break at any moment. You forget that it is through your brokenness that your gifts pour into this world. You forget that each and every crack in your heart is an illumined portal through which the poetry of your life will flow. -Matt Licata

I’m riding it y’all. The grief rollercoaster. Hands in the air, letting whatever comes at me in each moment happen, while trying to be kind to myself (and everyone I encounter).

It’s not easy, but this experience has taught me so much and I’m proud to say that I know I’m handling it a million times better than I would have ten years ago. I’m almost always grateful for the fact that I work from home, and I’ve never been more grateful for it. I do not have to hide any meltdowns.

And trust me, they come fast on and strong.

Life has been stripped of any periphery right now. The essentials are all that are dealt with right now, so my new website and job applications have all taken a backseat…and that just has to be ok with me. For some reason, it happened this way and I know I will get to the point where I will have learned something. I just know I also have to be in it right now, and I’m trying my best to do that.

Despite the suck of it all.

Alas, I’m proud of myself so far. I haven’t mean to anyone (including Jeremy), I haven’t yelled.

I found a brewery with gluten removed beer. We went and cheers’d him.  Though he would have hated the hops. I loved it,  but it was no Milwaukee’s best!

I took Zie to the vet on Monday cause she had been acting fatigued and weird and I wanted to get her checked before we were out of town. It turned into a bit of an ordeal. Her bloodwork was normal but her xray showed two circles where her stomach was supposed to be. So I took her home and they called that night and said to bring her back in the morning for a fasted xray. The morning xray had one bubble but still wasn’t empty so they forced her to throw up…and she didn’t throw up anything. Almost a grand later….she’s fine. She also seems like herself again. I don’t know how you folks with kids can do that shit! I was an anxious mess. I am so grateful she is ok.

Tomorrow we leave for the trip to PA. We have to leave for the airport at 3 am and I am really hoping that we get there on time amidst all the nonsense. Alas, I have no control, so we shall see. I just need to be there. We are having a dinner with that side of the family on Saturday, so that should be nice.

Life will never return to ‘normal,’ at least not in the way it was before, but I am hopeful that when we return, I will have gotten whatever it is that I need. I know I need to hug my sister, I need to hear stories, I probably don’t know what else.

I’m lucky that I have lived in a states that require accrual of sick time. I’m able to use those hours for a half day Friday and full day on Monday. It was sad when I emailed in asking if we received any kind of bereavement. There was no acknowledgement, just a note saying I could use my sick hours. It just feels so inhumane. Alas I’m grateful for that bit of time and looking forward to giving my brain a slight break.

Today I went to a park just a bit north of us to watch the balloon fiesta and it was so magical. Just a reminder that beauty exists, even when it’s hard to see. Next year, I’m hopeful we’ll actually go, but that was good enough for me this year.

We had a nice break this weekend too when we went camping up near Jemez. It’s so restorative there. We didn’t even hike very much, just took it easy and took it in. Released some of the heaviness and ache from our bodies. Little wins.

Alas, I’m hopeful that when I get back I will be able to concentrate again, at least in small spurts. I’m not making any bets though either. All the things will get done in time. Hopefully my contract gets renewed so I have another 6 months before I start looking, but I have no control over that either.

Thank you all so much for the overwhelming support. I hope I didn’t forget to respond to anyone, but the texts, calls, cards, etc has filled my heart.

Well, I have to be awake again in about 4.5 hours, so I’ll catch ya’ll on the east coast.