Fear and Feedback requests

At some point, if you’re fortunate, you’ll hit a wall of truth and wonder what you’ve been doing with your life. At that point you’ll feel highly motivated to find out what frees you and helps you to be kinder and more loving, less affliction driven and confused.

-Pema Chodron

One of these days, I would like to say that nothing new was going on and I was enjoying leisurely time painting and writing. Isn’t that the dream?

It has not been like that.

In reality, we have been a ball of anxiety and fear that seems to just consistently perpetuate itself. I’m working to understand what the fear is trying to teach me, and breathe through the discomfort. Damn, it’s hard.

Last weekend, I was supposed to fly to Phoenix to help a friend that is going through chemo, but an hour before my flight she found out her white blood cells were zero! The last thing I wanted was to put her in danger so we decided it best to cancel. The next day, at five pm on Friday, I discovered another work issue that our team did not catch. There was no one to tell about it at that point, so I had to hold that heaviness for the entire weekend!

Saturday we tried to go camping so I could try to de-stress in nature, and as soon as we set everything up, it started to storm with severe lightening! So we packed everything up in the rain and came home.

I barely slept and despite all my tools and meditation, basically made myself sick to my stomach. No matter what I tried, the waves of doom and shame would roll through my body. Gratefully on Monday, I was able to inform my boss and my stakeholders and do what I could to remedy the situation.

Ugh.

Nonetheless, I’m trying to reinvent myself (again) in the same way I try to help others. I realize I’ve been in a funk and need to focus on things that bring my joy.

So, this week so far, I tried out a spin class (my first 50 min class in five years since before covid!) and I booked a new student package at a pilates reformer studio. The spin class was insanely hard for me after all this time, especially considering cardio isn’t my best, but the pilates studio and it’s owner (who teaches all the classes) is amazing! I’m really hopeful it will help my hip.

And so far this week, a couple more (hopefully) good things happened.

My friend’s white blood cells went back up and she is feeling better (thank goodness)

I had an interview! With my contact end date looming in the near future, I have been trying to apply to roles at companies that do something I believe in. After the interview, they sent me a cognitive behavioral test that was similar to the SATs and was SO hard. I have no idea how I did, but I did it. If it’s right, it will work out. I am waiting to hear back.

I had my first coaching appointment in a while and afterwards my client text me that she’s already feeling optimistic!

I signed the contract to update my website!

I have been dragging my feet since my last post cause I was doubting myself, but now that it’s signed and I’m moving forward, I already feel super excited about it! I’m sure it’s going to be a lot of work to update the pages and get it where I want it to be once he moves over all the content, but I’m ready to invest in myself.

I’d love any thoughts, feedback or ideas you have about it! He already asked me if I wanted to keep the name stubbornheart and the heart-tomato logo!

Thoughts? I kind of love it, but also realize that it might not be the best way forward for this next chapter.

So many decisions! It’s exciting though. Please call, text or comment with any suggestions you may have!

In the meantime,  here’s some sweet pictures of our little family!