Bad Chest Karma

So, I finally talked to the doctor last night. Halleluiah.

I apparently misunderstood everything. It turns out that the EBUS was only meant to determine if i needed the robotic right side surgery through my rib. The CT scan was determining the cancer in my chest. Sigh.

Good news | Bad news

The bad news (bad news should always come first, eh?). The bad news is that I need a partial sternotomy; ie, I’ll be getting my chest cut open again.

😦

The good news is that I finally have some fucking news! Not the news I wanted, but now I can process, accept, and start to create a plan. [These things will not happen in that order. It will be cyclical and rollercoaster-y but at least moving forward!]

Other good news is that he said it’s not as ‘intense’ of a surgery as the heart surgery. It’s a partial sternotomy, so they only cut halfway down. It will still take my chest bone 6 weeks to heal, so I’ll still have all the arm restrictions, which sucks from a workout and sanity perspective. However the overall recovery time shouldn’t be as long.

The doctor called me last night at almost 7pm. I’m annoyed that everyone I talk to seems to be confused that I have questions. Does no one else have questions when people are planning to cut into them? I’m starting to wonder if I’m weird for not blindly just doing what I’m told. I’m a stubbornheart, and that will never be my style. I need to understand all the angles!

Back to the main point. The ct scan showed that the upper part of my chest IS likely cancer and they need to get it out. This thoracic surgeon doesn’t think that there is any other way they can do that besides opening me up (halfway) again.

So, now we wait some more for a date. Yay for cultivating patience! They are coordinating two very busy surgeons schedules to get me in, so I’m not anticipating anything soon.

I’m not in a rush for this surgery frankly. I just want to have a plan so I know if I have time to take a vacation beforehand!

I’m sorry for the rollercoaster I’ve been putting you all through. I mean, it HAS been a rollercoaster; and I want this to be a place of authenticity and truth. Otherwise, what’s the point? This kind of shit IS hard. BUT this kind of shit is life too. And there is still joy and beauty in the world. One just has to find the joy amidst the suck to make it all worth it. For instance: -I walked the block today on my work break and took in the beautiful crisp day, big fluffy clouds and fall colors that I’ve missed since Austin doesn’t really have seasons -All the support I’ve received from you beautiful people -Being able to tell my story -The growth I’m experiencing in acknowledging that it’s ok to not be able to do it all. I’m still enough

We’re all enough.