Lessons from a limbo state

My teacher, during retreat in July, reminded me that ‘everything is here FOR me and that there is space for all of it.’ This is something I have been coming back to for comfort again and again. What can I learn from this seemingly shit experience?

As the surgery date continues to progress ever closer, I have been noticing some shifts in my day to day. As I reflect on this Thanksgiving, whatever happens in the coming days, I realize that overall, I couldn’t ask for more.

For better or worse, some things are losing priority- (cleaning, dusting, etc) in place of nature or just ‘hanging out.’ Other chores, which I would have been all on top of, just don’t matter. Until I get fat or become a hoarder, I’m not going to worry about it.

In addition, outings seem to have more poignancy to them. As we’re hiking or exploring a new trail or place, I now think to myself that ‘this could be the last time.’

I don’t hate this. Yes there’s a sad quality to it as I know this major event looms ahead of me; but overall I think it’s good to look at things this way. To take them in fully and presently. Frankly, *insert your ‘it’, could be the last time for any one of us. A thought that most can easily ignore in the normal day-to-day.

I hope that *when*I’m through all this, I don’t lose that.

I also learned that you can only control the controllable. And it’s not worth worrying about the rest. It’s easier said than done, but I’m catching myself in the act and redirecting alot more than before. Small victories.

I’ve spent 40 years armoring my heart, and the last 20 learning how to peel off that armor that’s kept me slightly dissociated from the ones I love. In fact, for a long time, I didn’t even like to use the ‘l’ word. It felt so… overused and meaningless.

After years of studying trauma and how it is stored in the body, as well as the various modalities that are used to release it and rebalance the nervous system, I am finally, and most importantly, realizing the true power of having an open heart.

I’m finally learning this now, right before this crazy surgery. I have to say, things feel unfinished. I have more to learn, and I know I always will, but I hope I get a chance fully realize these lessons. To myself, to you all, and especially to Jeremy. Whatever happens, I’m grateful for the lesson. I’m grateful for the life I (and we) have built together, and I’m grateful for the people I’ve surrounded myself with.

I hope we can all take a minute in this indulgent holiday to remember all the good.